So I've just returned from my final class here at Cal State Fullerton, and it was a really fantastic way to end my time here. I went through the wringer. There were moments of good, moments of bad, moments of really bad, and even one or two moments of really good. Svetlana is still really sick but made the effort to come in today, so I thought she might be a bit lower on energy and perhaps go a bit easier. I was wrong.
My partner and I were supposed to be the fourth group up today, but after the first group Svetlana said that as it was my last day she wanted to make sure I got to work, so up we went. We started our scene, and I did waaaaay too much - I was fussing about and just being generally very busy and bad. So we got stopped and told to start again. This time I came in and was a little bit better, but Svetlana stopped us and pointed out that the stakes weren't high enough from either of us and we'd lost our sense of history and relationship. Reflecting on these moments now, I think that I'd lost the core of what I was supposed to be doing in that moment - relating, taking it all in, trying to find a way to talk - I just left all that behind, and what remained was just the outer behaviour from when I did do it, so it was very hollow.
So I took a moment to focus myself on what I really was supposed to be doing, and we cracked into it once more. And this time it was good. I was actually there and responding to what was happening and doing things for the first time. It felt good. We listened to each other, the relationship was there, we played our objectives, we played the obstacles, and we played actions towards each other. Until, at the turning point of the scene, I went and messed it all up again. I had what Svetlana called "an absolutely beautiful moment" with my partner as my character confesses his love to his mother, which I ruined by rushing right through it into the next line. And it's so obvious looking back - it felt awkward at the time, I just didn't know what to do about it. I had forgotten about my objective and gotten carried away with my good acting. Dammit. I fell into the trap of not living in the moment but playing result, playing for the final outcome that I know is going to happen. Svetlana called this a "sign of fear and insecurity. You want to be in control, but nothing can happen with control. Creativity comes from God, you cannot control it. So when you try you are putting middle finger to God." Sounds pretty spot on.
Then we entered a period of struggle and bad acting and yuckness. As I tried to work on this moment and make it work, I kept making bad choices and generally getting it wrong. I would go too fast, and the words meant nothing. I would move too quickly around the stage and make dumb choices about where to go. And I would do these things several times, albeit in slightly differing manifestations, all the while Svetlana getting angrier that I wasn't taking on her notes. It was a horrible feeling to just not be able to do it right, and not know how to change what I was doing. And every time I started again or tried to do it in a different way and make it work, it felt so manufactured. I just felt so fake and dishonest but didn't know how to fix it - the harder I tried the worse it got. And the worse I got the harder Svetlana pushed me to work and be better.
At a certain point I just slowed myself right down (in accordance with Svetlana's direction), and I stopped trying so hard and I just was. I found what I needed to find, I let it come to me rather than frantically and spastically pushing for it. It's such a hard difference to describe or even quantify, but the effect it has on the quality of the work is profoundly massive. Suddenly I was able to discover things in the moment again. My choices and actions were specific and directed at my scene partner. And they were born organically from what was happening. I stopped kicking my own ass to work hard and just let myself work with what I had. The frustration and anger and disappointment at not being able to do it right were all still there, but they weren't blocking me any more they were just part of the experience that were acknowledged and allowed to exist. They were harnessed and became useful. I was doing good acting.
There's a point in the scene, the very climax of it, where my mother screams a final hurtful name at me and in the stage directions my character is supposed to break down and cry. Last time we did the scene I forced it, I manufactured it and I rushed it. It was bad and Svetlana hated it. I was doing it because I knew I had to, because it was in the script. Svetlana's direction at the time was to forget about crying - if it happens it happens - just take it in and let it hit home and let whatever happens just happen. So when we got to that point in the scene today, I was determined not to ruin all the good work that we were doing. I took Svetlana's direction: I just let it hit me, I took my time, I suddenly felt like I needed to sit down so I did, I sat and looked straight ahead and just let myself breathe. And suddenly WHAM. It was like being hit by a wave - something in my body just went click - and out of nowhere I was crying and shaking, and I wasn't manufacturing it. And the most important thing was that I didn't just give in to it, I didn't just revert to self-pity wallowy acting and show everyone how good an actor I am because I can cry onstage. Yuck. No, I remained within the circumstances and still played actions and tried to pursue my objective. And the scene just worked. I could feel the effect I was having on my scene partner and the effect she was having on me. And we made new choices in the way we ended the scene that we hadn't made before and they were right. It stayed specific and it stayed truthful right through to the end. And all because I didn't push anything and because I played clear and specific actions.
So we finished the scene and Svetlana was really pleased with the work we did in the end. We had a quick chat about what we'd learned and the way we need to be working and then the next group was up.
And then all of a sudden my classes at CSUF were all done. What a massive four weeks here. I've worked in ways that I never would get a chance to at home, with amazing, insightful and generous teachers. And I've worked alongside some really talented and hard-working actors, who also happen to be extremely friendly and generous people. I've been warmly welcomed, and I've been pushed hard and challenged. It's still probably going to take a wee while to fully digest all that I've gotten out of coming to Fullerton, and to be able to articulate it with any clarity, but I know I've gotten a lot. I feel that the acting technique and skills that are so clearly the focus here are exactly what I needed at this moment in my training. And it's made me extremely excited to move on to Paris and to work in a totally new way, and even more excited to eventually take it back home and start to make sense of it all and put it into practice in the context of my training at Toi Whakaari.
So that's me for now. I'll take a break from the blog - barring any mind-shattering moments of inspiration that need to be shared over my small vacation - and get back to it once I start at Ecole Philippe Gaulier on March 4th. Over and out.
No comments:
Post a Comment